There is sometimes a strong tendency in me to self-loathe. I get in the dumps about my failure. It eats at me. I want to be good. I want to be pleasing. I want to be desirable. I want to be fault-free.
It is not primarily because I am well meaning of others. I cannot possibly claim that a desire for others to experience only the unfailed version of Jonathan will do.
It is because I am living for the righteousness of Joff. And in this kingdom I am acutely aware that only perfection will suffice. So when I fail, and fail I do, and particularly when it is done spectacularly before others, the metaphorical marching-band proclaiming Joff’s righteousness gets steamrolled by reality. All sound is lost. The sweet tune is gone. The victory is over. I am naked. I am alone.
I am not who I want to be. I have nowhere to go.
Except to Jesus.
‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven’ (Matthew 5:3)
I think that failure is also part of God’s plan. Why would we need Him, if we’re perfect. So while failure is disappointing for all, and sometimes detrimental to some, it is part of the process. We will never achieve perfection. Jesus did that for us. I also think other people are a little relieved when they find our imperfections. If they love us, they’ll overlook them.
I am one who also beats myself up when I fail. So I do understand your reaction. Keep walking! We’ll get there one day.
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We don’t have a shread of goodness to rely upon. Jesus alone makes anything possible.