Journal Entry 20/11/21

Father,

There is sometimes a strong tendency in me to self-loathe. I get in the dumps about my failure. It eats at me. I want to be good. I want to be pleasing. I want to be desirable. I want to be fault-free.

But why?

It is not primarily because I am well meaning of others. I cannot possibly claim that a desire for others to experience only the unfailed version of Jonathan will do.

It is because I am living for the righteousness of Joff. And in this kingdom I am acutely aware that only perfection will suffice. So when I fail, and fail I do, and particularly when it is done spectacularly before others, the metaphorical marching-band proclaiming Joff’s righteousness gets steamrolled by reality. All sound is lost. The sweet tune is gone. The victory is over. I am naked. I am alone.

I am not who I want to be. I have nowhere to go.

Except to Jesus.

‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven’ (Matthew 5:3)